Heart on Paper

Journaling has been a part of my life since I was a teenager, yet this past year I have stopped writing.  I've chalked it up to not having enough time, but we all know that we have time for what is truly important.  In a way, I'm glad I haven't documented my thoughts or feelings of the past 16 months.  Except to acknowledge that I have journeyed through them with integrity and courage.  I still have joy!

Earlier this week I realized something of my mom's was gone...tossed out with the trash.  It wasn't a big thing.  There was nothing sentimental about it except that it was hers.  It was clearly old, banged up and rusted.  To anyone else's eyes it was definitely trash.  To me, it was precious.  I can't describe the hurt I felt when I discovered it had been discarded.  I didn't want to hear the apology nor reasons for getting rid of it.  I just wanted it back.

I quickly understood that I needed a new perspective on this situation.  I was definitely overreacting and needed to get it together.  As I sat drying my tears, I begin writing out my frustrations and I was blessed with the realization that my mom's presence was all around me.  I actually was curled up in a baby blanket she had crocheted for her best friend's daughter to have for her firstborn (who is now a doctor!).  I use mom's silverware everyday.  Her cookie making bowls are in my cupboards.  Cameron sleeps with an afghan she made me every night.  Best of all, her dimples are on Chloe's cheeks and her silliness is in Chloe's spirit.

Putting my heart into words got me back on level ground.  It helped take the frustration out of a situation as I expressed my pain.  I think I have missed this process and need to get back in the habit.  My life is changing...I am changing.  Picking up new things that are beneficial to me and leaving behind those things that I don't need any longer.  I am still me, but I am stronger than I ever believed.  I will continue putting my heart on paper as I become more fully me!