Yesterday I read a note on a friends facebook entitled "Top Five Phrases I Hate to Hear." My friends use of the English language was pure genius and the note was right on. Phrases such as, "I like you, but...", "Fine" ("It is a lazy, thoughtless response to an, albeit over-asked, question,")and I believe "We can still be friends," was included. One thing he discussed was when we ask "What's up?" and the reply is "Not much." He states "The idea that such a negligible amount of action is taking place at any given time is as exceedingly preposterous as it is lethargic."
I thoroughly enjoyed reading his note - laughed my way through it, posted it on my facebook and forwarded it to a friend who I know would enjoy the thought process behind the writing. However, I experienced a situation last night where an "albeit over-asked question" was asked of me and I know the answer I gave, which was not "Fine." was not the one the asker was hoping for.
I was in my van - unairconditioned - with 3 tired, dirty and hungry children, heading home for dinner and a movie. We were almost there, around a corner and up a little hill, when the van started sputtering and there was absolutely ZERO power. I pressed the gas - nothing. When I released, the van would move forward a little. Inching forward with a sputtering engine was frustrating to say the least. Finally, my van gave up and went still. I turned off the engine, and turned on the hazards. I picked up my phone and called Kelly to tell him the van was dead on the side of the road. I could see our house through the trees and we were heading that way.
Before I could get out all my words a truck pulls up beside me and asked the question that we have all asked, hoping for the "Fine" answer. "Are you okay? Do you need any help?" However, I wasn't going to let my friend down and respond "I'm fine. Someone's coming." No way. I said, "Yes. Could you help me get my van to my driveway?" We could see it, however, a little hill stood right in front of us. They groaned, chuckled and groaned some more. But being from East Texas, they got out of their cool, comfortable truck and pushed me home.
All of this reminded me of a verse from my favorite book, which says, "Ask and you shall receive." We must use real words, with real emotion and be willing to express our real needs. There are people in our lives and along our paths that care. When we ask how you are, we truly want to know. When we ask if we can help, we sincerely want to extend a helping hand.
So, how are you today? How may I help you?
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Oh Gay, once again, you have so much more faith in people than I do. I truly related to the discussion your friend had written on these profoundly annoying social customs and how they relate to our use of the English language.
The problem is not with the answer "fine." The problem is with the question "how are you doing."
"Fine" may very well be a non-answer, but the reality is that about 95% of the time when you are asked that question, the asker truly doesn't give a royal rip one way or the other. He or she is asking either out of simple custom or worse, out of the selfish desire that you will quickly say "fine" and ask back so that they can complain.
"Fine" is the only acceptable answer to this question. Trust me, I know this from experience. I started answering this question "blessed" and did this for a period of time. Whether I was good, bad, ticked, or thrilled...the answer was always "blessed." I did this until people stopped asking me. Because, quite frankly, most don't want to hear that you are blessed. They want to hear that you are just like they are: fine.
Fine = I live a more comfortable life than some 80% of the rest of the world, but I hate life because my own selfish ambitions and desires prevent me from gaining a more realistic perspective on how truly blessed I actually am.
If you ask me, I hate the question entirely. I think "fine" is a fine answer. Because most people frankly don't ask because they care. They ask because they don't care. If they cared, they would ask a different question.
If we lived in Korea, they wouldn't ask that question. The traditional greeting isn't even "hello." The traditional greeting is the question "Have you eaten?" If the answer is "no", a Korean friend will drop everything that he is doing and cook for you. I'm not exaggerating. What an incredibly profound question. Instead of a non-question that begs a non-answer. This is a question that has the power to change a life. At the most basic, it can feed a stomach. But assume you are with a friend that really does need to talk through some problems. Asking if someone is hungry opens the door to fellowship. It represents concern for the other instead of simply asking for a status report.
Alas, maybe it is simply because I am food-motivated in life. When someone asked you "are you okay?" as you were stranded on the side of the road, it begs the answer "if I were okay, I wouldn't be voluntarily sitting here." The better question would have been "Regardless of how you are already handling this situation, can I please help you?"
Maybe it's just me...
Tom
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