Keeping it Straight

What a day! I have started a new job at a college here in Texas, and am I feeling overwhelmed! I am the Coordinator of Donor Services which is a fancy name for someone who receipts all the donations that come in to the school. And let me tell you, there are more than I expected- and I haven't experienced end of year donations yet! Anyway, with donations come people wanting to know what has come in for their departments and accounts. Everyone calls with requests of income and confirmations.

Well, I am a people person and not a numbers person and I'm nervous that I can't keep it all straight. My red notebook is more important than ever! It causes me to be in awe that my heavenly Father can keep all of our requests and wonderings straight. I am simply dealing with 20 or 30 and He is dealing with millions!

We have been created by an awesome God and He wants to have a relationship with each and every one of us. He will not forget me or overlook me or get distracted! He remains focused on me and my needs and concerns. He even knows what I'm going to pray for before I actually do it. Wouldn't that be a great trait! I could have someone's information ready for them when they call instead of having to add it to the list!

Following is a devotional I have written for my church's website. (http://www.mobberly.org/ check out the women's ministry page for devotionals) It goes right along with this.

“You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights,
each tear entered in Your ledger, each ache written in Your book.” Psalm 56:9 (The Message)

When I was in high school I wanted to be just like my youth minister’s wife. She was beautiful, smart, married (which is always a dream for a teenage girl) and in an obvious love relationship with Jesus. I began to watch her closely and emulate what I saw. One thing I learned from her that I still enjoy to this day is journaling.

My mom bought my first journal and I began taking notes in church. I had the amazing privilege of sitting under the preaching of Paige Patterson and my first exposure to a little Greek. This ignited a spark of desire to learn on my own and my journal grew from simply church notes to devotional thoughts and prayers of response.

Through this relationship that was budding in the pages of my journal, I began talking with Jesus all day and my journal became an integral part of my days. I jotted down thoughts and prayers and all my important nothings. My journal is simply full of letters to Jesus; letters from my heart.

I have looked back through my journals and my important nothings in high school were all about boys. I prayed about which ones to date, which ones to set my friends up with and which one I would marry. In college, my letters to Jesus remained on boys but also showed my first true hurt in life as my mom died. The pages written during those days truly display the pain and confusion I felt as I lost my best friend.

My journals from the early years of marriage show my excitement and faith in the life God had chosen for my new husband and me. The way He provided for us during seminary and our first place of ministry is recorded in my journals. The struggle between wanting to become parents and not becoming pregnant brought questions but not always answers. And yet, my love and trust in Jesus remains evident in my journal, especially at the birth of my first and shortly after, second sons. I returned to the days of journaling about boys.

Besides the grief of losing my mom, my journals are happy and content memories of how God directs and uses us to build His kingdom. They are full of verses that God used to speak to me specifically about situations. These journals are my life story.

A few years ago my life story became one of seeming failure. My husband and I stepped out in faith and came back broken and in pain. The pages in my journal are now tear-stained with words that cannot be read. Many nights I fall asleep on a wet pillow and wake up with a headache from the tossing and turning which keeps true rest far away. I wonder when the joy of ministry will find me again and my life story return to joy.

Until that time, it is comforting to know that God is also journaling. His important nothings are all about me. He keeps track of each toss and turn that keeps me awake and counts each tear that falls down my cheek and those that get wiped away. He knows about my sleepless nights and each ache that lives in my heart. God journals about me and includes His very own words to cover my life. The Bible says that Jesus lives to make intercession for me and that intercession is evident in His ledger, His journal.

Friend, God also cares about you. He cares about your joys and your tears. He knows what keeps you awake at night. So even when physical rest eludes you, know that you can find true spiritual rest in the arms of our Father.

Gay Anne Bates
2007